OPINION:
Are there secrets to a happy and secure marriage? That’s a tough question to answer.
Whenever stories pop up about long-married couples – 60, 70, even 80 years – the reporter always asks the same question or a variation thereof: “What’s your secret?”
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Every couple wants there to be a secret. They walk down the aisle believing they’re committing themselves to a person who will fill their life with joy and fulfillment. And yet, many of these couples reach out to Focus on the Family, struggling because their marriage isn’t making them as happy as they expected. And they’re often surprised to learn that the secret to happiness isn’t luck, good chemistry, or fiery intimacy. It’s not even a bad memory, as some long-married couples often suggest.
As a Christian, I don’t believe you create a “happy marriage.” Instead, you create a strong marriage centered in Christ, and happiness is the result.
Security comes from a rock-ribbed commitment, an assurance to your spouse they don’t need to walk around on eggshells.
According to Dr. John Gottman, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington and the founder of the Gottman Relationship Institute, there are several things to consider when gauging the health of your marriage.
Listen to the ReFOCUS with Jim Daly podcast, where Jim digs deep and asks the hard questions to help you share Christ’s grace, truth and love.
Here they are:
1. High levels of friendship, respect, affection and humor
This is defined as liking each other, being each other’s best friend, doing things together; showing interest in and respect for the other’s thoughts and feelings, avoiding put-downs, supporting each other’s goals and aspirations, feeling affection for each other, having fun and laughter together, being Number One in each other’s eyes.
2. A ratio of 5:1 or better of positive to negative interactions
This means that your relationship averages at least five pleasant, friendly, or loving experiences or periods of time for every hostile word, angry argument, or time spent feeling hurt or resentful. And 5:1 is the minimum!
3. Successful “bids for attention”
An example of this would be a wife saying, “Hey, listen to this!” She is trying to get her husband’s attention for a conversation. If the husband keeps on reading the paper, or ignoring her, he’s turning away her bid for attention. If he says “Huh?” and lifts his eyes off the Sports Page for a second or two, he’s turning toward her — a good sign. And if he actually listens to whatever she wants to say, that is a real connection! In successful marriages, partners turn toward each other 86% of the time (vs. divorcing couples who on average turn toward each other 33% of the time, or less).
4. Soft starts of disagreements
In successful marriages, disagreements are started softly, without critical, contemptuous remarks about the other person (not doing so is Gottman’s first Divorce Predictor).
5. A husband accepts influence from his wife
In successful marriages, husbands accept influence from their wives. (e.g., If a wife says she’s afraid her husband is driving too fast for the rainy road conditions, and he says, “No way I’m slowing down, I know what I’m doing!” … this is a shaky marriage.) There must be give and take in a relationship — giving and accepting influence. Research shows that women are well accustomed to accepting influence from men, so men must learn to reciprocate.
6. Partners are aware of and respect the other’s needs, likes, dislikes, and their inner life
They ask questions to find out what their spouse is thinking and feeling. When their partner responds, they listen and they care!
I hope you won’t hesitate to call us here at Focus on the Family if we can be of any help at all. Just pick up the phone and call 1-800-233-6459. Or, click here.
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Jim Daly is president of Focus on the Family and host of its daily radio broadcast, heard by more than 6 million listeners a week on nearly 2,000 radio stations across the U.S. He also hosts the podcast ReFocus with Jim Daly.
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