OPINION:
All right, folks, buckle up, because the story gets weirder than a sci-fi movie marathon after midnight.
Earlier this month, the Capitol hosted a hearing about our favorite buzzword/enigma du jour, UAPs (that’s “unidentified anomalous phenomena” for those of you who are still calling them UFOs — how 1990s of you). But despite the buzz, it was more “X-Files rerun” and less “alien autopsy revelation.”
What happened? Glad you asked
Apparently, a former Department of Defense official got on the microphone and claimed under oath that the U.S. government has a top-secret UFO retrieval program. Yes, you read that right — like a cosmic lost-and-found for unidentified flying whatzits. He also casually remarked that people have apparently been injured by these mystery crafts. You know, as one does. Cool, cool, no follow-up questions there.
But here’s the kicker: zero hard evidence. Nada. Just testimony after testimony of people saying, “Trust us, it’s totally happening.” Meanwhile, the receipts remain mysteriously out of sight, like the one friend who always forgets their wallet come dinnertime.
Aliens and … underwater bases?
You’d think the claims couldn’t get wilder, right? Enter Rep. Lauren Boebert with her hard-hitting investigative question about aliens setting up secret underwater bases. Yep, she’s out here asking if Atlantis is the new Area 51. Sadly, the witness testifying at the time burst that delightful bubble. No underwater alien hideouts confirmed, but hey, someone did mention an orb coming out of the ocean. SpongeBob, buddy, you got some explaining to do.
The Pentagon’s official party-pooper statement
Meanwhile, the Pentagon was like, “Chill, everyone. We’ve double-checked, and no E.T. has phoned home or left their spaceship keys behind.” Bor-ing. Where’s the fun in that? The Pentagon firmly denied there’s any evidence of alien activity or government efforts to reverse-engineer spacecraft, which, honestly, sounds just like what they would say if they were trying to cover something up. A classic case of “deny, deny, deny,” am I right?
But wait, there’s more conjecture
Journalist Michael Shellenberger stepped into the fray with spicy claims about a Pentagon program called “Immaculate Constellation.” (Who names these things?) He alleges that officials are sitting on a treasure trove of shiny evidence, including crystal-clear photos and videos that apparently put your mom’s blurry vacation pics to shame. Too bad he wouldn’t name his sources, leaving us with little more than a heap of unanswered questions and no high-def alien selfies.
Congress gets kinda serious … sorta
At this point, Congress wants more transparency, and honestly, same. They’re spinning this as less “is E.T. real?” and more “are we wasting taxpayer money on sci-fi fantasies?” Solid point, guys — nobody wants to find out the government’s secret UFO budget was supposed to fix our potholes.
Trump teases alien fan club membership
Just to add another layer of absurdity to this cosmic soap opera, Donald Trump popped his head in on a podcast earlier this year to say he’d “love” to share more UFO footage, adding “Because why not?” to his possible second-term agenda. Love him or hate him, the man knows how to keep things interesting.
Don’t cancel your Netflix subscription yet
For all the hype, this month’s hearing didn’t exactly deliver the revelation of the century. But hey, do we have more questions than answers? Absolutely. Are extraterrestrial beings behind those questions? Pound of salt required.
For now, we’re left with some testimony, a lot of eye-roll-worthy denials and a faint promise of future hearings. Until then, keep an eye on the sky — or the ocean, I guess. Who knows where the next orb will turn up?
• Joseph Curl covered the White House and politics for a decade for The Washington Times. He can be reached at josephcurl@gmail.com and on X @josephcurl.
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