OPINION:
Not since Benjamin Franklin invented electricity with his key and kite has any political figure accomplished more when it comes to exploring new depths of the murky unknown.
Long after she became an asterisk in this year’s Republican primary, former South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley is still exploring the faraway frontiers of a land never before sought by civilized man. It’s a savage and unforgiving land — The Land of Losing.
Nearly two months after losing the Iowa caucuses by double digits, Nikki Haley keeps inventing new ways to lose.
She is the Thomas Edison of losing, the Albert Einstein of failure. She is Christopher Columbus in search of new worlds of personal humiliation. She is J. Robert Oppenheimer working on a Los Alamos project of thermonuclear Losing.
Nikki Haley is Neil Armstrong on a rocket ship to Planet Loser.
“One small step for the fellas,” she will say when she arrives, “One giant leap for pathetic losers.”
She was not content to become the picture in the dictionary for the word “loser” in this Republican primary. That was just a glass ceiling that would have stopped weaker losers. Nikki Haley would persist long after all the other losers had given up and gone home.
Her fortitude for humiliation is so huge you could not pack it all into the back of a Cadillac Escalade.
After her third-place loss in Iowa, Ms. Haley declared the nomination contest a “two-person race” — proving that even though she claims to be a lady accountant, her grip on math is not so good.
Within the week, all the other Republican losers had quit the race, allowing Ms. Haley to go head-to-head with former President Donald Trump in New Hampshire, which she did—and proceeded to lose by double digits.
Sure, she came in second place. But it was a two-person race, so she also lost dead last.
But Nikki Haley persisted, beckoned deep into the abyss of losing by a light unseen by weaker people who prefer not to lose so publicly, unceasingly, and humiliatingly.
She placed all her hopes on Vegas. But, unfortunately for this Olympian of Losing, Ms. Haley signed up for the wrong primary election in Nevada. In the caucuses, Mr. Trump beat her with 99.1% of the vote.
As if that were not enough of a humiliating loss, Ms. Haley then managed to lose the wrong election she had signed up for — to “none of these candidates.”
She literally lost — by a 33-point margin — to thin air. She lost to a political movement of circles sloppily filled with No. 2 pencils. She lost to — literally — nobody.
Nikki Haley is the empty chair that Clint Eastwood warned us about.
History will forever record that the official winner of the meaningless 2024 Nevada primary was “None of These Candidates.” Coming in distant last place was Nikki Haley. The only silver lining was that since she had signed up for the wrong election, no actual Republican delegates were awarded in the contest she lost.
From there, it was an unstinting sea of losses. In the Virgin Islands, Ms. Haley lost to Mr. Trump by 50 points. Then she lost Michigan (twice), Missouri and Idaho — rejection after rejection after rejection.
At press time, it could not be determined if Ms. Haley had yet made history as the losing-est candidate in political history. Had anyone ever before ventured this deeply into the hostile Land of Losing?
In politics, there are statistics for everything — almost as many as for sports. Yet no one keeps stats for this degree of losing — mainly because no one has ever attempted this before. No one records such things.
Nikki Haley has finally done the unthinkable: She found the one single thing for which there is not an Internet page.
Perhaps most humiliating of all, Ms. Haley even lost her own home state of South Carolina to Mr. Trump, by more than 20 percentage points.
And when you thought there was no way Nikki Haley could expand upon her cavalcade of humiliations — dive deeper into the Kingdom of Losing — she surfaces with a win.
One singular win. In the District of Columbia. It’s not even a state. And all the votes came from the lobbyist lizards and greasy consultants, race hustlers and swampy politicians that Donald Trump has long declared war upon.
Hilariously, Nikki Haley spiked the ball.
“It’s time to start winning again and move our nation forward!” she declared, with the swampy breath of failure at her back.
It was a ping from the abyss in the faraway frontier of lifeless losing. She is still out there. Nikki is still alive, inventing new ways to lose.
“One small step for the fellas, one giant leap for pathetic losers.”
• Charles Hurt is the opinion editor at The Washington Times.
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