Want to vote for ‘Literally Anybody Else’ In November? Now you can

OPINION:

2024 presents the worst presidential choice America has had since … well, maybe ever.

The two candidates: Incumbent Joe Biden, 81, who is clearly in at least the early (if not later) stages of a mental breakdown, and Donald Trump, 78, a narcissist who might be in jail by Election Day.

But hang on — salvation may be afoot. We could all vote for “Literally Anybody Else.” And not just figuratively, but literally.

A Texas man has reportedly gone to court to legally change his name to Literally Anybody Else. Lucky for us, he has announced that he is running for president in 2024.

Mr. Else was once known as Dustin Ebey. The 35-year-old has a healthy resume: He’s an Army veteran and a seventh grade math teacher in the suburbs of Dallas. That’s right. He survives on a teacher’s salary, so he knows what most of us are going through — not at all what the two super-rich candidates deal with daily.

More than that, he knows that our choice this Election Day is, in a word, pathetic.

“Three hundred million people can do better,” he says. “There really should be some outlet for people like me who are just so fed up with this constant power grab between the two parties that just has no benefit to the common person. We don’t have a ‘neither’ option on the ballot, and this kind of fills that role. It’s not necessarily about me as a person, but it’s about literally anybody else as an idea,” he told the news outlet WFAA.

Mr. Else isn’t kidding. He has already filed with the Federal Election Commission and needs 113,151 signatures from nonprimary voters in Texas by May 31 to get his new name on ballots.

“I’m not delusional. This will be very hard to do, but it’s not impossible. My hope is to have Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and then Literally Anybody Else right underneath,” Mr. Else said. “I really want there to be an outlet for folks like me who are just so fed up with this constant power grab between two parties that has no benefit for the common person.”

A vote for Literally Anybody Else, he says, is a vote against everything that stinks so badly in politics right now. And in a strange twist, you can actually vote for him, rather than against the other two bozos.

“People are voting for the lesser of two evils, not someone they actually believe in or support,” Mr. Else says. “People should have the option to vote for someone who resembles and represents them, not the lesser of two evils. I reject that. For too long have Americans been a victim of its political parties putting party loyalty over governance. Together let’s send the message to Washington and say, ’You will represent or be replaced,’” he says.

Well, damn. Doesn’t that make a lot of sense?

Mr. Else considers himself a centrist, saying he holds beliefs from both the right and the left (don’t most of us?).

Here’s a snippet from his website, www.literallyanybodyelse.com:

“In a time when politics has become more about the fight than the future, our campaign is dedicated to real solutions over sound bites. We believe in an America where healthcare, education, and opportunity are accessible to all. Our vision is rooted in policies that prioritize your well-being, ensuring that every community can flourish.”

For the record, George Washington didn’t want to be president. He just stepped up when he looked around and went, “bleh.” Long ago, Americans didn’t want to abandon their lives to serve in Congress (now, they make a career out of it), but the true believers felt it was their duty to help shape the future of the fledgling nation.

Same with Mr. Else.

“I would love to get up on the debate stage and bring some reality to what’s happening. I’m there because both of them aren’t enough,” he says. “We have the responsibility to stand up for ourselves and say, enough is enough. Let everyone know we’re not hopeless. If you want to accomplish something no one ever has — you have to do something no one’s ever done.”

So now, at least, there’s an option. You can literally vote for Literally Anybody Else.

And this time, it sure seems like the right choice.

• Joseph Curl covered the White House and politics for a decade for The Washington Times. He can be reached at josephcurl@gmail.com and on X @josephcurl.