OPINION:
CHICAGO — Welcome to the matriarchy.
In the epic battle between Mars and Venus, insanity has won. And the Cat Ladies have taken over the Democrat Party.
The free vasectomy campaign here at the Democrat convention is bad enough. But then again, if a “man” climbs into the back of a taco truck to be sterilized for life, it is probably a win-win situation for America and humanity.
Beyond humiliating for the male species, however, is all the forced crying at this convention. Only by men, of course.
When President Biden came out for his humiliating midnight address to the convention on the first night, he walked onto the stage with a tissue in his hand, already crying. He hugged his daughter — who had introduced him — and dabbed his eyes. The crowd of Cat Ladies — and their Cat Lady Allies — roared their approval at Mr. Biden’s exposed vulnerability.
Throughout the convention, the camera in the hall frequently pans over to vice presidential nominee Tim Walz, who has a large expressive face. It is hard to tell whether actual tears are forever streaming out of his eyes, but his big pale face sets like a crybaby so that he always looks like he is blubbering.
And when he gets extra emotional, his crybaby face becomes more deeply pronounced with his mouth dropping deeply at the edges like a sad clown. Adding to the raw emotional vulnerability of Mr. Walz is his tendency when deeply moved to flog his chest with his big right paw like a sad seal barking for another anchovy.
This crying game, mind you, is reserved only for the men. Among the women, no crying is allowed.
Former first lady Michelle Obama mounted the stage like an ancient Amazon — fierce, powerful and stoic. Even talking about the death of her mother, Mrs. Obama shed not a tear.
When her husband spoke next, he also mentioned his mother-in-law and why he loved her so much.
“She always defended me with Michelle when I messed up,” the former president said. “I would hide behind her.”
You could hear the entire convention hall ovulate with glee as Mr. Obama re-enacted the scene by hiding behind the podium.
Indeed, this is a far different planet from where former President Donald Trump entered the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee last month — with a bandaged, bloody ear — to the tune of “It’s a Man’s Man’s World,” sung by James Brown and Luciano Pavarotti.
Even when a random woman at the DNC found herself broadcast on the Jumbotron just as Oprah Winfrey mentioned “a childless cat lady,” there was no crying from her. The poor, innocent woman just turned her face away from the camera without complaint.
I mean, seriously, you got heckled on national television by Oprah Billionaire Winfrey! You should never have to pay for another cat-sitter the rest of your life.
All this macho feminism is not actually good for the female species.
The gender-free restrooms at the DNC have no urinals — meaning women just gave up half their bathrooms to men, who I can assure you have done exactly nothing to improve their aim or their bathroom manners.
Also, the sign outside the gates carried by pro-Hamas protesters says: “Feminists for Free Palestine.”
Okay, good luck with that. But I would not recommend taking that particular protest to the source.
Luckily, we have cable news broadcasters to break it all down for us.
CNN’s Dana Bash was nearly giddy with all the crying, vulnerable men.
Mr. Walz and “Second Gentleman” Doug Emhoff, she said, are great emissaries for submissive men in a Childless Cat Lady world.
They “can speak to men out there who might not be the testosterone-laden, gun-toting kind of guy who wants to listen to Hulk Hogan and the kind of players that came out of the RNC,” she said, before quickly changing her mind.
“Or, might wanna listen to that but also understand that it’s okay in 2024 to be a man comfortable in his own skin who supports a woman,” she said. “And that’s something that [Cat Ladies running the Democrat Party] really are trying to work on with male voters beyond the base.”
CNN’s Jake Tapper — who also serves as a fine emissary for submissive men in a Childless Cat Lady world — agreed and described the RNC as being filled with “testosteroni.”
“Remember when Hulk Hogan actually ripped off his shirt?” asked Mr. Tapper, who then pivoted to display a little of his own “testosteroni” vibes.
“He had another shirt underneath, which I think is not exactly what the rip-off-the-shirt thing is supposed to be,” Mr. Tapper said with great bravado, before meekly curtailing himself.
“But, in any case, I digress,” he said.
By this, Ms. Bash was driven to great excitement by the yin and yang of her macho-feminine co-host talking about the proper way for a man to rip off his own shirt.
“When you do that,” she purred, “it’s not like that!”
This new world for submissive men in a Cat Lady world might not be so bad after all — just so long as you don’t fall for that free vasectomy. Or for “The Crying Game.”
• Charles Hurt is opinion editor.
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