- The Washington Times - Thursday, April 18, 2024

Excuse me, your honor, but what part of “America First” do you not understand?

Day 3 of former President Donald Trump’s felony criminal trial in New York over allegedly faulty paperwork kicked off with Mr. Trump taking a cellphone call from the defendant’s table in the courtroom.

Well, of course. When America calls, America’s superhero bad boy always answers.

It was, as they say, “a perfect phone call.”

Unless you are Manhattan Judge Juan Merchan, the hapless and humorless judge starring in Mr. Trump’s latest reality show. According to court watchers, the judge was not amused.

Despite his starring role, the judge apparently is not learning his lines and doesn’t know his role, and now, he is getting grumpy about it.

From the start of the show trial, Judge Merchan has confused himself with an actual judge in a real courtroom overseeing a real trial involving a real crime with an actual criminal and real victims — none of which applies in this fictional political drama. Which is kind of amazing if you think about it.

The courthouse where they are filming this latest Trump show is the exact same set where they film the popular television series “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.” If Judge Merchan actually cared about learning his role, he could go home at night, flick on the TV and watch endless reruns of Detectives Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson racing up the marble steps of the courthouse seeking fictional justice for their fictional victims.

That’s why they call it “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.”

This latest Trump series is called “Law & Order: Zero Victims Unit.” The crimes are always changing, but the perp is always the same. Also, there are never any victims.

And the complainant is always the same: the Democratic Party.

The only case Democrats ever made against Mr. Trump with an actual “victim” was the one where they found some lady who spun a tale about sleeping with Mr. Trump in a dressing room at Bergdorf Goodman department store. Perhaps undermining her credibility, however, was that she could not remember the decade when it allegedly occurred, she once openly swooned on national television about how “sexy” rape is, and she has a cat named Vagina.

The only real takeaway from that whole show trial was when America learned that Mr. Trump pronounces the word “Vagina” with the same cadence and vigor that he pronounces the word “China.”

Yet somehow, Judge Merchan has managed to be even more ridiculous and unconvincing than Vagina Cat Lady.

He seems unable to understand that “Law & Order: Zero Victims Unit” is not actually a courtroom drama. It is, in fact, a political drama. More like “House of Cards” or “The West Wing” — since there are never any crimes or actual crime victims and the “cases” are never about actual justice.

Despite this obvious fact, Judge Merchan has placed a gag order on Mr. Trump — which defeats the whole purpose of having a show in the first place. If the judge isn’t going to learn his lines, the Democrats are just making up their lines and Mr. Trump is not allowed to have any lines, then you really do not have a show.

The star must speak.

Also, in the political world, we have something called the First Amendment, which is something real judges usually learn about if they go to an actual law school. Anyway, it means that anyone in America has free speech, especially if you are a politician in the middle of a campaign embroiled in a political fight.

But Mr. Trump has ignored Judge Merchan’s gag order from the start anyway. Every day Mr. Trump starts his day and ends his day outside the courtroom with a press conference. He usually talks about actual crimes with actual victims that actual voters would actually like politicians like Mr. Trump to fix.

Perhaps the dumbest thing Judge Merchan has done in the whole show trial is to require that Mr. Trump show up in person for every day of the trial. It’s like demanding that the class cutup sit in the front row.

So far, Mr. Trump has upset Judge Merchan by glaring at potential jurors, talking out of turn, sleeping in his chair, sitting in his chair, violating the gag order and now by taking a phone call at the defendant’s table.

If the judge wants this trial to go better, perhaps he should learn his lines. Or at least go home and watch some reruns of “Law & Order.”

• Charles Hurt is the opinion editor for The Washington Times.

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