OPINION:
Long live the patriarchy!
Ever since the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, it’s been nothing but bloodshed in the back alleys of America. Roughly half the deaths in America since that 2022 decision have been women. Many of those women had given birth at some point in their lives.
Today, there are Octomoms everywhere, singing Christian hymns in their family vans, driving Republicans to the polls in every city in the United States. Inexplicably, Democrats have won all those elections.
Clearly, we need more Christian Octomoms. Outlawing everything from contraception to abortion everywhere is our only hope. Or at least in the red states.
You cannot say Democrats did not warn us of this dystopian hellscape in the wake of overturning Roe v. Wade, which invented a fake constitutional right to abortion in the “penumbras” of — oh, whatever. It’s there, but you cannot see it. Or you can see it if you are wearing those glasses they gave you for looking at the solar eclipse. But only certain kinds of glasses.
Ask Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee. But remember, like the stewardess always says: Place the glasses over your own eyes before assisting others.
Anyway, it’s in the “penumbras.” Or it’s not — but it is if you squint really hard.
It is impossible to overstate how devastating it has been to lose this “constitutional right” that is the cornerstone of the founding of America. America was apparently founded in 1973 despite all the lies you may have read about it in the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution and the Colonial hornbook your grandmother gave you when you were 8 years old.
Before Abortion America was founded in 1973, it was a wild and dangerous place for women. They could not go anywhere without permission. Forced marriages. Involuntary nunneries.
Whatever you do, do not look up videos on the internet of unhappy and unhealthy women herded like cattle into Lynyrd Skynyrd concerts in California in the late ’60s and early ’70s. It was a bloodbath. They are so miserable in their cutoff jeans and tank tops and being forced to ride around on the shoulders of men. Disgusting.
Yet for some reason, when Founding Mother Margaret Atwood wrote the popular and prescient television series “The Handmaid’s Tale” about the dystopia of non-abortion America, she had to set it in the future. Which makes no sense, when there were so many horrors to choose from in the past. You know, in real life.
It’s all so confusing. Like the penumbras. Or parallel parking the car without scraping the rims on the sidewalk.
Must say, it has been delightful watching the ladies in “Handmaid’s Tale” outfits gather outside the Supreme Court to protest the overturning of Roe v. Wade, with their oversized white bonnets and blood-red gowns. Like the Nazis before them, the leftists in America always have the sharpest costumes.
The funny thing about it, though, is that if a man had mansplained the “Handmaid’s Tale” robes to Ms. Atwood, he might have made them a little more revealing. Or maybe not. But if they were Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders underneath, I don’t think those big, bulky uniforms would work.
I must say that the most confusing part of the whole abortion revolution going on with the ladies in red robes outside the Supreme Court today is that they want to bring back the 1973 Supreme Court — a court of nine unelected men in black robes. Mostly old. Almost exclusively White.
Can you imagine how low the thermostat was set in that courtroom?!
The Patriarchy. They were the Patriarchy, and they ushered in the only era of freedom for women in human history. The Patriarchy founded Abortion America. And the ladies of “The Handmaid’s Tale” are begging for them to come back to save today’s damsels in distress.
These distressed damsels in white bonnets and blood-red robes want to be sheltered and protected by the Patriarchy.
They call on the Patriarchy to ride in like knights on white steeds to slay the court that overturned Roe, a court that included three women.
Sadly, the Great White Knights of the Patriarchy are all dead now. Dead White (mostly) men.
Really, this is what happens when first you let women drink. Then you let them vote. Then you let them parallel park. Before long they are thinking for themselves and sitting on the Supreme Court, cranking up the thermostat and wrecking all that is good and just, even if you need funny glasses to see it.
Now, their only hope is President Biden, who has been a politician in Washington since before Roe v. Wade discovered abortion in the “penumbras” of the Constitution. He aims to use all this abortion enthusiasm to get himself elected again.
“Elect me,” he told the distressed ladies of “The Handmaid’s Tale” this week. “I’m in the 20th century.”
(Checks notes, looks at watch.)
“Twenty-first century,” he corrected himself, looking confused.
Somebody get Shelia Jackson Lee up there to help him.
• Charles Hurt is the opinion editor at The Washington Times.
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