OPINION:
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis and former South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley would really like to tear each other apart to claim the donor-approved mantle of being “not Donald Trump.” But someone keeps getting in the way.
“You’re just scum!” Mrs. Haley spat during Wednesday night’s debate with unbridled contempt and laser hatred in her eyes. That was after she threatened to use her “five-inch heels” as a “weapon” to physically attack her opponent right there on the stage.
Only the opponent she tangled with all night was not Mr. DeSantis. It was the endlessly disruptive and highly entertaining biotech entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy who kept stepping in between Mr. DeSantis and Mrs. Haley to absorb blows and lay down withering fire of his own.
In addition to Mr. DeSantis and Mrs. Haley, Mr. Ramaswamy flamed the debate moderators, GOP donors, the Republican National Committee Chairwoman Ronna Romney McDaniel and Canada.
“We’ve become a party of losers,” Mr. Ramaswamy declared one day after Republicans somehow managed to defy history and lose ground in Virginia elections during the historically unpopular presidency of Democrat Joe Biden.
But when Mrs. Haley and Mr. DeSantis tried squaring off to win control of the GOP like a couple of practiced fencing artists in white suits, Mr. Ramaswamy suddenly appeared like a genie out of a bottle, looking like a cross between Elvis Presley and a vampire.
“Do you want a leader from a different generation who’s going to put this country first?” the Evil Genie asked. “Or, do you want Dick Cheney in 3-inch heels? In which case, we’ve got two of ’em on stage tonight.”
Mr. DeSantis is famously slow to register human emotion. But he could hardly be blamed for taking a minute to realize that it was not just Mrs. Haley’s entrails slopping around the floor of the debate stage after Mr. Ramaswamy’s agile knife work. Mr. DeSantis even looked pleased for a half-second before realizing he, too, had been gutted in the exchange.
“Dick Cheney in 3-inch heels” was also a reference to Mr. DeSantis, who has been dogged on the campaign trail for wearing lifted “cowboy” boots to make himself appear taller.
I know these debates are really supposed to be all about policy and important political positions at a moment when our country is going down the toilet, but it really is hard to concentrate on all that boring stuff when you have a real-life scene right out of Hannibal Lecter where the Evil Genie is feeding a guy’s brain to himself, and the guy is still smiling between bites.
Meanwhile, on the front row of the debate hall, top Republican donors looked at each other and nodded vigorously.
“That’s a great idea! Dick Cheney in 3-inch heels. You think we could get him to come out of retirement, transition to a woman, strap on a pair of high heels and run against Donald Trump?”
Now that Virginia Gov. Glenn Youngkin is out of contention for 2024, GOP donors are willing to try anything. And if anyone in drag could lure them into the LGBTQ tent, it would definitely be Dick Cheney in fishnets and stiletto heels.
Meanwhile, Mr. Ramaswamy was not done with all his magic voodoo up on the debate stage.
As Mr. DeSantis and Mrs. Haley desperately tried shimmying up the greasy poll to make headlines by attacking each other, the Evil Genie came in for perhaps the most devastating evisceration of the night.
Noting that Mrs. Haley wants to ban the Chinese spyware social media company TikTok, he observed that her own daughter “was actually using the app for a long time.”
Mr. Ramaswamy turned to her and said: “You might want to take care of your family first,” drawing a flush and malevolent stare from the shocked Mrs. Haley.
“Leave my daughter out of your voice!” she raged back.
Mr. DeSantis could only watch uncomfortably as the two sparred. At one point, he hiked his hands onto his hips and tried to look normal.
But that’s not to say the entire debate was hopeless. Yes, we are more than $30 trillion in debt and Social Security — along with welfare programs to feed the poor — are nearly bankrupt from government spending by politicians.
Former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, however, denied that he and his family are the ones draining the food stamps program, which he nevertheless supports.
“Fortunately, I have never had to have my family on food stamps,” he said. “But I’m glad it’s there so no one in this country goes to bed hungry at night.”
So, really, it could be so much worse.
• Charles Hurt is the opinion editor for The Washington Times.
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