Ask Dr. E: How do we set a positive Thanksgiving tone with relatives we disagree with politically?

Dear Dr. E: Several of our relatives visiting for Thanksgiving are not aligned with us politically. Do you have any ideas on how we can set a positive tone for civility without compromising our conservative principles around the dinner table? — Conservative but Wanting to be Civil, from Florida. 

Dear Conservative: I have a two-fold strategy I’ve found helpful in engaging folks who are likely to have a knee-jerk reaction against my values.  

First, focus on the positive rather than the negative argument. In other words, take the high road. During the Thanksgiving holiday, this is particularly easy. In your house, you have the right and responsibility to direct the conversations, and I’d recommend you do so toward thankfulness rather than complaints. By definition, this is a holiday about giving thanks, so set the tone by doing so. 

Second, I’ve frequently found it helpful to go back in time rather than focus on the present. In making my point, I’ve always had more success using old ideas rather than new ones. Certain words are like a good wine; they simply get better with age. They have stood the test of time and are so well-stated that they should just be honored, left unedited, and approached with humility.  

Here’s an example of such words: 

“The year that is drawing towards its close has been filled with blessings… which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever-watchful providence of Almighty God.

“[Even] in the midst of a civil war … peace has been preserved with [other] nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere except in the theatre of military conflict … 

“Needful diversions … from the fields of peaceful industry to the national defenses have not arrested the plow, the shuttle, or the ship; the axe has enlarged the borders of our settlements, and the mines… have yielded even more abundantly than heretofore. The population has steadily increased, notwithstanding the waste that has been made on the battlefield, and the country, rejoicing in [its] augmented strength and vigor, is permitted to expect continuance of years, with a large increase of freedom.

“No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy.

“It has seemed to me fit and proper that [our blessings] should be solemnly, reverently, and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and voice by the whole American people. I do, therefore, invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November… as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens.

“And I recommend to [you] that while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, [you] do also, with humble penitence for our national perverseness and disobedience… fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquility, and union.” — Abraham Lincoln, October 3, 1863

So, during this holiday season, I’d argue that one of the best things you can do for your guests is to set the bar high. Don’t permit the negative. Stay positive, and one of the best ways to do so is to return to the original words that led to the last Thursday in November being recognized as a national day of “Thanksgiving” in the first place.

I’ll say it again – some ideas stand alone, strong, secure, and enduring.

“Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father…”

“Offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings…”

“Humble penitence for our disobedience…”

“Fervently implore the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation…”

Stay focused, and I’ll bet that even your most obstinate guests will see that some ideas need no rebuttal. No debate is appropriate. No response seems right other than one coming from a humble and contrite heart full of “Thanksgiving and Praise.”