Trust fuels life and family

OPINION:

I was sitting on a plane doing some research on trust when the man sitting next to me asked me what I was doing.

“Researching ’trust,’” I replied.

“Ohwell, I don’t trust anybody,” he quickly shot back.

“Really?” I asked.

“Absolutely,” he said, “I learned a long time ago, you can’t trust people. I only trust myself.”

I can’t remember exactly how I said this, but the thought was: “Well.I am a psychologist and you are crazy. Look out the window. You are at 40,000 feet. Did you get yourself up here? Noyou trusted some pilots that you have not even met. And how do you know the guy that fueled the plane didn’t put chocolate milk in the tank? You trust people all the time. Nothing works without it.”

“But,” I added, “if I heard your story, I bet there have been some times when you have been deeply hurt, let down or betrayed in some significant way, and that might have given you that view.”

We talked further, and as I have heard many times, there was a lot of hurt he had suffered, and he had developed his worldview honestly. But, as I also ascertained, it had caused a lot of dysfunction as he had tried to live life that way. And it saddened me.

As a leadership consultant who works with CEOs and their teams and as a psychologist who has worked with a lot of various kinds of issues with people, there are very few times that I get called into a situation that before very long, we do not find some breakdown, blind spots, or fear around the dynamics of trust. From leadership to managing people, to scaling a business, to making a marriage or family function well, trust has to be truly nurtured, guarded and lived out well. When it isn’t, problems ensue.

The reason? Because all of life depends upon trust. We are hardwired for it, from birth. We have mirror neurons, and other abilities to sense when someone is authentic, true and caring that either push us to hit the “go” button, or cause us to pause or pull away. No investors write checks without trust, nor customers buy a product, nor employees wholeheartedly give their best to a leader without trust. Much less wives, husbands, or children. When it is working, we thrive. When it is broken, we don’t. Period.

So, where does it come from? When I wrote the book “Trust,” I outlined a summary of all of the research into five critical factors that make us able to trust someone and also cause us to hit “no.” Briefly, we trust someone who:

• We feel understands us deeply. Someone who understands what we need and what hurts us, what makes us happy and what doesn’t.

• We feel has the motive of being “for” us. They want the best for us and not only themselves. Their intent is to always do well by us and for us. They “have our back” in all decisions.

• Has the ability to pull off and deliver what we are trusting them to do. If in business or a relationship, we must have confidence that they have the capacity to do what we are depending on them to fulfill. They have the skills.

• Has the character to show up in the way we need for them to. Their “makeup” fits the context of what we are trusting them for. If the situation is going to take courage, they have it. Or a cool head, compassion or patience. Way past foundational honesty and integrity, their personal makeup is one where they will be who we need them to be in that situation.

• Has a track record. What happened the last time something like this was entrusted to them either by us or someone else? Our minds build mental maps of someone as we experience them, and we expect the same from them next time unless some change has occurred that creates a new map.

When these factors are there, we have pretty solid ground to stand upon. But, we also need to have the ability to trust wellthe ability to discern well and to let go. And where does that come from? Just like the man on the plane, from our experience.

Certainly, the trust muscle is built and grown from adult experience. But far and away, it begins in our developmental years: the family we grew up in. As David said in Psalms 22:9, God “led me to trust you at my mother’s breast.” Simply said, we learn how to trust very early and through many childhood experiences.

When a family lays down a foundation of understanding, motives to help each other, abilities to do what others need, character that is dependable, and a track record of all of those things over time, a person develops the ability to trust well, and not foolishly.

Let’s be a people who promote strong families who do these things well, and as adults, be that kind of family, whether bosses or friends, to those whose trust muscle needs to be repaired. It makes all of life work better.

• Dr. Henry Cloud is a clinical psychologist, pastor to pastors and New York Times best-selling author. His 46 books, including the iconic, “Boundaries,” have sold over 20 million copies. As a clinician, he has established treatment centers, created breakthrough models rooted in research, and been a leading voice on mental health and leadership issues worldwide. Dr. Cloud lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Tori, and their two daughters.