The pursuit of healthy family rhythms

OPINION:

Parenting often feels like mere survival. The thought of pursuing anything outside of making it through the day can feel overwhelming. I get it. My wife and I are currently in the throes of parenting in the teenage years. We have learned, firsthand, that the challenges of parenting don’t ease as your children age, they merely change.

As a pastor, I often ask parents how they’re doing. The answer I most often get? Exhausted. Which is all the more reason to pursue healthy rhythms in our own personal lives and in the lives of our families, so that exhaustion and survival are replaced with endurance and thriving. There are many healthy rhythms I could mention here, but for this space, let’s consider three:

Pursue the Heart of God

The greatest gift you can give your child is your own personal pursuit of God. What is your rhythm with God? Do you have one? If you don’t, my encouragement to you is to establish one. If you don’t know where to start, here are three easy rhythms to establish:

1. Devote yourself to 10-15 minutes every morning reading the Bible (Start with working your way through the gospel of John and the Psalms).

2. Devote yourself to five minutes of prayer every morning.

3. Devote yourself to weekly corporate worship at a local church.

The Bible teaches us that apart from Christ we can do nothing (John 15:5); and that, left unto ourselves and our own sinful disposition, we’ll produce the fruit of our flesh, which includes selfishness, impatience, and anger.

We need the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) in every area of our lives, including and perhaps, especially in parenting. This only comes from pursing God and abiding in Him such that His heart becomes our heart and His ways become our ways through His Spirit within us. What your child needs more than anything else is a mom and dad who walk with the Lord.

Pursue the Heart of Your Spouse

The second greatest gift you can give your child is a healthy and strong marriage. In Bobb Biehl’s book, “Decade by Decade,” he states that the greatest need children ages 0-10 have is that of security. He goes on to say that the primary questions children of those ages are asking in their hearts is, “Am I loved and am I safe?” And “Do mom and dad love each other?”

Our children are watching us. A significant portion of them feeling safe and secure actually has nothing to do with how we engage with them, but how we engage with each other as spouses.

We also have to be aware of the very real temptation to sacrifice healthy marital rhythms on the altar of our child’s happiness. If we’re not careful and intentional, our lives as parents will become solely focused on our children to the point that our marital intimacy, connection, and friendship will suffer.

Of course, we want our children to be happy, but when we become fixated on their happiness more than their development, then we’re swimming in dangerous waters. Part of their healthy development is watching mom and dad pursue each other and model before them a godly and healthy marriage.

Pursue the Heart of Your Child

It’s easier to control the behavior of your child than it is to engage the motivations of their heart.

Although that’s true, it doesn’t have to be as hard as we often fear that it is. Sometimes it’s as simple as changing the questions we ask. Instead of asking “How was your day?” ask “What is something that happened today that brought you joy?” Instead of asking “Why did you take that toy?” ask “What were you feeling when you took that toy?”

Questions like these are ones that spark heart-level conversations rather than one-word answers. You will sometimes be amazed at what your child will tell you when you’re a bit more intentional with the questions you ask them.

Last, but certainly not least, it’s impossible to pursue your child’s heart when staring at a screen. Put the phone or tablet down!

• Jeff Norris is Senior Pastor of Perimeter Church in Duluth, Georgia. He is a graduate of the University of Alabama and Metro Atlanta Seminary. Mr. Norris was on staff with Cru (formerly Campus Crusade for Christ) for 13 years where he served at Southern Miss (2002-2004), University of Georgia (2004-2008), and back at the University of Alabama as the campus director (2008-2015). While in Tuscaloosa, he was able to see the Lord grow the Cru ministry from 50 to over 500 students. His heart and passion then and now is to see the Lord birth and grow communities of people who have been transformed by the gospel of Jesus Christ. Mr. Norris is the author of “Rooted: A Lifestyle of Radical Dependence.” He and his wife, Rachel, have been married since 2001 and have four children: Samuel, Ellie Kate, Abigail, and Annie.