OPINION:
He was 13 years old, had run away from home and ended up in my counseling office. Among other things, he said: “My parents don’t love me. They love my brother, but they don’t love me.” I knew his parents, and I knew they loved him. The problem was they had never learned how to express their love in a way that was emotionally meaningful to their son.
I have often said to parents: “The question is not: Do you love your children? The question is: Do your children feel loved?”
Almost everyone agrees that one of our deepest emotional needs is to feel loved by the significant people in our lives. Parents tend to naturally love their children.
However, many parents do not understand that what makes one child feel loved will not make another child feel loved. Each child has what I call a primary love language. If they do not receive love in their “love language,” they will not feel loved even though the parents are sincerely loving them. My research has shown that there are basically five love languages. Let me share each of them briefly.
Physical Touch We have long known the emotional power of affirming touches. That is why we pick up babies, hold and cuddle them. Long before they understand the meaning of the word love, infants thrive on physical touch. As they get older, they sit on our laps as we read a book. Then we play ball, wrestle, give them pats on the back and high-fives. For some children, physical touch is their primary love language.
Words of Affirmation Each love language has many dialects. For example, “words of affection” focus on who the child is, such as: “You are so beautiful.” “I like the way you smile.” Or, simply: “I love you.”
“Words of Praise” focus on performance, such as: “Great catch.” “Good job.” “I like what you did.”
“Words of Encouragement” instill courage: “That’s close.” “Almost there.” “I know you can do it.” Some children thrive on words of affirmation.
Quality Time Giving your child your undivided attention. This may involve “quality conversations,” in which the parent is fully engaged in a discussion with the child. It may also be playing a game together, in which the child has your full attention. What parent has not heard these words: “Mommy, can we play together?” They are asking for quality time.
Receiving Gifts It is universal to give gifts as an expression of love. The gifts need not be expensive. We are seeking to give gifts that will interest the child at their age level. If “receiving gifts” is a child’s primary love language, the gift says: “My parents love me.”
Acts of Service Doing something for the benefit of the child. We are forced to speak this language the moment they are born. The infant can do nothing for himself/herself. Parents put the food in and take the food out. They do everything for the infant. Acts of Service should be age appropriate. Primarily, we are doing things for them they cannot do for themselves. As they get older, we speak this language by teaching them to do things for themselves. For example, when they are young, we wash their clothes, but as they get older we teach them how to run a washing machine.
So, how do you discover a child’s primary love language? First, by observing how they express love to you. When my son was young, he would run to the door when I came home and grab my legs and climb on me. His love language was physical touch.
Second, what does the child complain about most often? A mother shared that her 6-year-old son said: “We don’t ever go to the park any more since the baby came.” He is revealing that his primary love language is “quality time.” Before the baby came, he had his mother’s full attention at the park.
Third, what does the child request most often? If, when you go the grocery store, the child says, “Be sure and bring me a surprise,” receiving gifts may well be their love language.
Please don’t limit yourself to only speaking a child’s primary love language. The key is to give heavy doses of their primary language, but also speak the other four as well. We want the child to learn how to receive and give love in all five languages. That leads to an emotionally healthy adult, which is what all parents desire.
• Dr. Gary Chapman is a well-known family counselor and author of more than 40 books. He hosts a nationally syndicated radio program, “A Love Language Minute,” and a Saturday morning program, “Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman” that air on more than 400 stations. His book, “The 5 Love Languages,” has been published in more than 50 languages and sold more than 14 million copies.
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