OPINION:
Say goodbye to “voodoo economics.” Say hello to black magic politics, astrological financing and ouija board diplomacy! President Biden last night proved himself the unrivaled wizard of political sorcery, shape-shifting and truth vaporization.
It was a political Mardi Gras of lies.
“We come from the land of corporate America,” he said to a puzzled gathering of Congress. Democrats weren’t sure if they were supposed to stand up. Republicans weren’t sure if they were supposed to clap.
“I’m a capitalist!” he announced, further confusing everyone.
“But capitalism without competition is not capitalism. Capitalism without competition is exploitation — it drives up profits! When corporations have to compete, their profits go up. And your prices go up when they don’t have to compete.” (No, you are not lost. It makes no sense.)
Offstage, Mr. Biden’s speechwriter could be heard screaming as he used a rusty knife to chop off his own writing hand.
But Mr. Biden was not done. He started talking about meatpacking plants, ocean liners, farmers and deer running around wearing bullet-proof kevlar vests. And, of course, his idea for a “global minimum tax” — because you are not already paying enough in taxes.
“So that’s my plan — but we’re going to go into more detail later,” he explained. “We are going to grow the economy and lower the costs of families.”
At one point, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer leaped to his feet in applause before realizing that the whole room was booing.
But Mr. Biden was really just hitting his stride. To celebrate, he decided to riff a little from the teleprompter.
“What are we waiting for? Let’s get this done!”
Garbled screams could be heard off stage again as Mr. Biden’s speechwriter chewed off his other hand with his teeth.
Supreme Court justices in black robes seated on the front row held blank stares as if suffering through oral arguments from an imbecile. Polite. Bewildered.
“And folks, for our LGBTQ-plus Americans … I will always have your back,” Mr. Biden paused a moment before quickly adding: “As your president.”
He did not mean it in a creepy way like he was going to sniff their hair or something. He prefers the smell of little girls’ hair.
It’s hard not to take the guy a little bit seriously, at least when compared to the backdrop of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Vice President Kamala Harris seated behind him — each battling their own personal demons.
Mrs. Pelosi with her crazy eyes and giant pearls valiantly fought her dentures all night long. By the end of the evening, it appeared she had conquered them.
Beside her, Ms. Harris struggled not to smile like a jackass eating cactus. The poor woman is more mercilessly ridiculed than a substitute teacher covering the last class on a Friday afternoon. But on Tuesday night, by damn, she was going to be taken seriously!
As the night dragged on and the effects of sundowners kicked in, Mr. Biden lost momentum and fell back on well-worn cliches.
Let’s make corporations and the wealthy pay their fair share. My top priority is getting inflation under control. (Gee, how is that going?) Stop all the hate crimes against Asian Americans. (Those damned Trump supporters.) Stop Vladimir Putin with green energy!
And: “The watchdogs are back!”
Then Mr. Biden went full MAGA, ripping off lines from former President Donald Trump about lowing drug prices and needing to build things in America again.
“I call it building a better America,” he said, forgettable.
But his crowning achievement of the night was after he really ran out of gas and went full voodoo — not so much rewriting history as evaporating it.
“The answer isn’t to defund the police,” he said. “It’s to FUND the police!”
And, even more hilariously: “We need to secure our border and fix our immigration system.”
A chant broke out among House members to “Build the wall!”
Mr. Biden replied: “As you might guess, I think we can do both.”
This, he called, “a unity agenda for the nation.”
Also known as a complete and total unvarnished lie.
• Charles Hurt is the opinion editor at The Washington Times.
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