OPINION:
Finally, a job for which Hunter Biden is qualified.
For over a year now, his daddy — President Biden — has empty-bluffed his way into a war footing with Russian President Vladimir Putin over the territorial integrity of Ukraine.
“Putin knows if I am president of the United States, his days of tyranny and trying to intimidate the United States and those in Eastern Europe are over,” Mr. Biden boasted in a fundraising ad for his 2019 campaign for the presidency.
Mr. Biden made it to the White House, and Mr. Putin laughed all the way to Kyiv. Now Mr. Biden is all out of bluffs.
It is hard to say which is worse: Mr. Biden’s handling of Mr. Putin or his handling of COVID-19, which he also vowed to shut down. Or his disastrous handling of the withdrawal from Afghanistan. Or the economy or gas prices or the supply chain.
But wait! He is not done!
Being the colossally stupid negotiator that he is, Mr. Biden thinks now is the time to not just talk tough, but show tough. He is reviewing his troops.
Thankfully, Americans have no interest in sending their sons to die in yet another war of Mr. Biden’s bungling. No, Mr. Biden, send your own son.
Send the very best son you have to defend the territorial integrity and principles of “democracy” in Ukraine.
After all, Hunter Biden can find Ukraine on a map. Or, at the very least, his checking account knows all the best bank routing numbers of the most corrupt oligarchs in Ukraine.
He may not know his way around a gas pipeline, but Hunter Biden sure knows his way around a crack pipe. He is famous for his resourcefulness when it comes to smoking crack anywhere, anytime.
“I spent more time on my hands and knees picking through rugs, smoking anything that even remotely resembled crack cocaine,” junior boasted to CBS News last year. “I probably smoked more parmesan cheese than anyone.”
Why waste America’s finest sons when you can send this paragon of democratic territorial integrity to defend the borders of Ukraine
Another problem with America’s finest is that so many of them are married to fiercely loyal wives. For Hunter Biden, this is not a problem.
For him, women are interchangeable. He can be married to one while sleeping with his dead brother’s widow. Or, you know, whatever. Women are fungible. Especially if she gets on stage and jiggles herself out of her feather boa.
And, this just in! From the former border between Ukraine and Russia!
“Russian soldiers poised to invade Ukraine have bombarded women on the other side of the border with Tinder messages,” reports The New York Post.
One 33-year-old Ukrainian vixen said her Tinder app lit up with so much Russian lust that she had to retreat locations.
“I actually live in Kyiv but changed my location settings to Kharkiv after a friend told me there were Russian troops all over Tinder,” she said.
“One muscular guy posed up trying to look sexy in bed posing with his pistol,” she reported. “Another was in full Russian combat gear and others just showed off in tight stripy vests.”
The woman said she would never sleep with the Russian enemy, which only leaves more positive swipes for a pervy fellow like Hunter Biden.
Another problem with sending America’s finest to die in a pointless war is that so many of our sons are not only married but also have children. For Hunter Biden, this is no obstacle.
Sure, kids are great. Unless they get in the way. Or become awkward. Or inconvenient.
A paternity test proved Hunter Biden has a daughter with a woman he supposedly met swinging from a stripper pole while married to another woman. Or maybe between wives. Hard to keep track.
Recent court testimony revealed that while Hunter Biden was forced to pay for his 2-year-old daughter, he still refuses to acknowledge her.
This makes him a deadbeat dad. And it makes the president of the United States a deadbeat granddad. These people are sick beyond words.
And deadbeat granddad President Biden is thinking about sending your sons to die in a war in Ukraine?
No, no, Uncle Joe. Send your own. He won’t be missed.
• Charles Hurt is the opinion editor at The Washington Times.
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