Military spouses: The force behind the force

OPINION:

She hadn’t yet risen from her chair to receive her flowers and hug her husband, and the tears were already streaming down her face. 

I was attending an Air Force retirement ceremony, and we had arrived at the most anticipated part of any military retirement: the member’s tribute to his or her spouse. I say “most anticipated part” because attendees are nearly always guaranteed visible, emotional spillage from both parties. This emotion causes others in the audience to sniffle or tear-up as they consider both the retiring couple and their own family’s service. 

The retiring officer spoke profusely about the love of his life, recalling special memories throughout their career (we often refer to “our” career in the military), thanking her for raising their children when he was away for months at a time, and noting contributions she made to improve the lives of airmen and spouses around her. 

These opportunities to honor our military spouses aren’t limited to retirement ceremonies. Spouse tributes are often witnessed at significant award ceremonies, changes of command and permanent change-of-station farewell ceremonies. They are heartfelt, sometimes raw, and always fall short of the true appreciation deserved by the spouse. 

Fewer citizens can directly relate to the U.S. military than at any other point in American history. Less than one-half of 1% of the U.S. population currently serves on active duty. As a result, many Americans do not even personally know a military family. Despite this, the public and private sectors have made significant strides since the Vietnam era to honor and support our military members and veterans. However, does this support translate to the real driving force behind our troops — their spouses? 

On their wedding days, most military couples do not truly comprehend the heaviness of the vows they are taking. Military life may be rewarding, but it is far from easy. Moves often happen every three-to-four years for younger members (and typically one-to-two years for senior officers or enlisted). Occasionally, a move occurs with such short notice that the military member departs ahead of his or her family, leaving the spouse alone to pack-out the home and move the children. 

Children of career military members may attend as many as five to eight different grade schools. Continuity of friendships and support structures become difficult, causing extra stress for the ever-present spouse. Additionally, some moves take the family to countries like Japan or Germany, where immediate family-related support often cannot reach the lonely confines of isolated bases. In this year of COVID-19, the stress of living on the far side of the world while under quarantine has brought some families to the breaking point. The resiliency required of a military spouse has never been higher.

The 2020s also find our spouses as the most well-educated in history. A staggering 89% have some college education, while 30% have a four-year degree. Unfortunately, the lack of locational stability causes irreparable harm to many spouses’ ability to advance their own careers. Military spouse unemployment currently lies at a staggering 24%, while underemployment sits between 30% and 50%. Ample opportunities have not yet risen to meet the available talent. 

With all of these drawbacks, why do families continue to serve in our military? Besides love of country, why do so many of our best and brightest continue to re-enlist, subjecting their families to additional stress? 

Around the globe, military families enjoy some of the most amazing adventures. Living in a distant country is an unachieved dream for many Americans; it is routine for many military families. The opportunities for children to interact with people different from themselves, whether in the U.S. or abroad, opens their cultural aperture at a much younger age than most who never leave home.

Military spouses often form life-long bonds with other military spouses. These friendships have roots underpinned by common service that overcome the tyranny of time and distance.

Military spouses also cherish the ability to help one another and the neighborhoods in which they live. They volunteer at a rate greater than three times the national average and are often the glue that holds communities together. They are the epitome of unselfishness and humility. 

Leaders in Washington have begun to recognize the importance of military spouses. On March 12, the Department of Defense announced the approval of a series of grants that will help military spouses in certain career fields with the issue of professional license portability, enabling easier job transitions.

Further, military spouse employment preference allows spouses who change stations to be noncompetitively considered for certain government positions at their next base. In 2009, lawmakers passed the Servicemembers’ Civil Relief Act, allowing military spouses the same legal state residency rights as their serving spouse, and in 2018, lawmakers amended the SCRA to provide additional benefits and protections to military spouses. 

While these government actions are a start, how can we, as individuals, show our love and appreciation for the unsung military spouse heroes among us? First and foremost, if you have a military spouse friend or family member, a simple note or word of encouragement means more than you can imagine. Military spouses are like missionaries on a remote assignment; they often feel lonely and forgotten. Moments of encouragement from friends or family can sustain them for weeks or months. 

If you do not personally know a military spouse but live near a military installation, seek out organizations or groups that are led by or populated with military spouses. Consider donating to organizations like the USO, which routinely creates innovative programs to strengthen and empower military spouses all over the world; Operation Homefront, whose mission is to build strong, stable, and secure military families so they can thrive in their communities; or any of the numerous charities supporting our military families. 

Business owners who provide military discounts to active-duty members could consider offering discounts to the military spouses as well. If such an act is financially unsustainable, consider offering military spouse discounts during the month of May, which is Military Spouse Appreciation Month. 

Finally, continue to support the men and women of our U.S. military, who stand eternally ready to defend our liberty and way of life. 

Military spouses are God’s blessing to the men and women of our fighting forces. I am eternally grateful for my wonderful wife, and I remain thankful daily for all of the military spouses who sacrifice to support our great nation.

• Denny R. Davies, a U.S. Air Force colonel, is a National Security Affairs Fellow at the Hoover Institution, Stanford University. The views expressed herein are those of the author and do not reflect the official policy or position of the U.S. Air Force, the Department of Defense or the U.S. government.