OKLAHOMA CITY (AP) - On the balcony of an apartment building just off the main drag of the Plaza District, a group of friends reflected on the perils their generation faces in an era when the shifting sands of romance can lead to a fling or a firing.
It was early afternoon on a recent Wednesday, sunny and warm, and their neighborhood, known for its pubs and restaurants, would buzz that night with young adults looking for a craft beer, fancy food and maybe someone to go home with.
It might’ve been harder to find love than a bottle of bock and artisan Tater Tots.
Somewhere between Millennial and Gen Z, the youngest of adults have come of age during high-profile sexual assault cases, evolving gender theories and the #MeToo movement.
Up on the balcony, four young women and a young man sat around a table with a metal bucket for cigarette butts, sharing stories of love and war, and what differentiates the two these days.
Devin Goodrich, a local drink server in her early 20s, has seen men cross the line between flirting and sexual harassment, the Oklahoman reported . She’s also watched women bend the line to their liking.
Unsolicited sexual comments. Unwanted touching. Goodrich was taking a customer’s order once, when he demanded she write her phone number down too.
“My job is to serve, but not serve like that,” she said.
On the other hand, Goodrich has seen women getting away with the same behavior that has landed some men in court.
“Younger girls want somebody to hit on them,” Goodrich said. “They want a fella to buy them drinks. Women know how to play the game. Women are not victims. Women will take that drink and run off. The roles have been reversed. It’s something to watch. It’s not as much as women being victims. We’ve taken that and used it to our advantage. There is a certain level of abuse on our parts. There are definitely double standards. I’d rather be a woman than a male in this society.”
In October, the #MeToo hashtag exploded on social media, in the wake of allegations that film mogul Harvey Weinstein sexually abused or harassed dozens of women.
While the hashtag prompted young women across the United States to share their own stories of abuse, the movement has also caused young men to question what women mean when they talk about inappropriate conduct.
In an MTV poll of roughly 1,800 people ages 18 to 25, a third of men said they were worried something they’ve done could be considered sexual harassment.
The same words, spoken by two different men, could be interpreted by a woman as either harassment, or charming, Goodrich said. Older men who have more experience with women tend to get away with saying things their younger counterparts couldn’t.
“I think they’ve perfected it enough where it’s flattery,” Goodrich said. “A lot of it is all delivery and timing.”
Whether interactions between men and women in public are becoming more difficult to navigate, men are finding it more complicated in the workplace, according to one survey.
More Americans think men getting away with sexual harassment at work - and female accusers not being believed - are major problems, than say the same about employers firing men before finding out all the facts, or women making false accusations.
These are the findings of a survey released earlier this month by the Pew Research Center. The survey of more than 6,200 adults in the U.S. also found 51 percent saying the recent developments have made it more difficult for men to know how to interact with women in the workplace.
Those with vast experience in Human Resources say the #MeToo movement has prodded more business executives to codify workplace rules and commit to educating their employees about what is considered inappropriate behavior.
“It has created awareness that business leaders are saying ’hey, maybe we should be doing more about this,’” said Michelle Killingsworth, director for the Oklahoma State Council of Human Resource Management. “Instead of pushing back, saying ’I can’t pull my people off for an hour of training a year,’ now your president or business owner says ’you know what, we might want to do this.”
Similar to situations outside the workplace, an employee may not know that what she did or said was offensive, Killingsworth said.
“In my meeting with HR professionals for a long time - 17 years - we’ve had success 95 percent of the time,” she said. “Those who are harassed just want it to stop. Most times, the person didn’t know they were doing it.”
Killingsworth said workplace romances are still common, but couldn’t speculate on whether #MeToo would provide a chilling effect.
In a 2017 survey of 550 people in a relationship, market research company ReportLinker found about 15 percent of people saying they met their partners at work.
But the #MeToo moment may give men pause.
“Our society lately is primed for women to be hypersensitive to anything a guy might do that just might be clumsily expressed interest, but it comes across all wrong even though it’s not meant to,” said Brandt Gardner, an associate professor of family science at Oklahoma State University.
“You see what you expect to see. If you expect this guy who’s looking at you once in a while to be a creep and he says something, ’now I’ve been sexually harassed and I’m going to HR.’ Whereas in another environment it could be cute. He’s interested in you, but doesn’t know what to say.”
With a generation of students fused to their smartphones and tapping out emojis to express their feelings, Gardner teaches communication in couple relationships.
“Males don’t have a lot of on-the-job training when it comes to verbal communication, and the social media and technology and gaming - all of that translates to less social interaction,” he said. “So guys really struggle with communicating altogether, but especially in relationships and communication with the opposite sex, who have a lot of on-the-job training when it comes to communication … and then when you throw this #MeToo thing in the mix, it creates some really interesting dynamics.”
Young men and women are getting their cues for interaction from media, and it’s not always healthy, according to Gardner. Men have greater access to pornography, which can give them a negative view of women, while women may grow up thinking that being treated poorly is normal.
“When all you do is interact through texting or social media or gaming, most of those allow some degree of anonymity, which reinforces that I can be a jerk and there’s not consequences,” Gardner said. “It’s a real nightmare. It really is.”
Gardner often talks with his students about how romantic relationships start. They are at a loss to explain. The days of approaching someone and asking for their number are waning.
Increasingly, young people find the social media accounts of those they are interested in, and send them private messages. It is common for two people to then text back and forth for a couple of weeks before moving forward.
But what they are moving into often isn’t clear between the two people.
“Getting out of that phase, it’s bizarre,” Gardner said. “The kids have no idea how to make things progress. It’s usually the woman who starts the conversation - what are we? What is this? But the way it’s built now, in order to initiate any contact, you have to be a little sneaky or creepy.”
He received a chorus of amens from the balcony.
Rachel Symes is an 18-year-old woman who prefers to meet guys in person, to read their body language, and notice their quirks. But social media has created social anxiety among her peers, she said.
Symes and her friends said that what used to be considered weird behavior just a few years ago - stalking someone online and reaching out to them - is normal these days.
“Creeping is OK now,” she said.
Seated next to her was Justin O’Toole, a 21-year-old man who watched a stray dog amble down the street below, as the women laughed about guys sending perverted images of themselves through social media.
O’Toole has witnessed a wide range of interactions among his peers, from men who are persistently belligerent to those who compliment a woman and sheepishly retract it in mid-sentence.
“They don’t want to be seen as somebody who’s trying to hit on them, or be the aggressor,” he said.
O’Toole admitted to shyness, and said when he’s single he will have a “wingman” with them when approaching women. He stopped caring what other people think, and tries to be himself.
His approach is simple. To the annals of pickup lines, from “What’s your sign?” to “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” O’Toole has added “Hey, what’s the biggest mess you’ve ever made?”
“If it’s obvious the girl’s not into you, just leave,” he said.
It’s a sentiment shared by his elders. Back down in the Plaza, Tammy Mahan stood outside a tattoo shop, wondering what all the #MeToo fuss was about.
At 51, she said times were simpler once. A woman would tell a man to move on if she wasn’t interested. No accusations. No internet attention. Just an interruption at the bar.
“I wish it was back like it used to be,” Mahan said. “I’m pretty free-lovin’. It needs to be chill. People need to chill out. Men and women - it works both ways. It all comes down to respect. People need to respect each other.”
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Information from: The Oklahoman, http://www.newsok.com
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