OPINION:
Despite governing in the minority of both houses of Congress and occupying the governor’s mansion in a measly 18 out of 50 states, Democrats love giving Republicans advice on how to win elections.
It’s time we Republicans return the favor.
Now I know what you’re thinking. Why would a member of the vast right-wing conspiracy be offering an olive branch to the Democratic Party? What’s his agenda?
This presidential election cycle has been called many things, but “politics as usual” isn’t one of them. So here is some golden advice for Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders as they continue bushwhacking their paths to victory:
• Run on Obamacare: I know you may be skeptical. But so what if only 15 percent of Americans say they have benefited from President Obama’s disaster of a program? I mean sure, there are only 11 Obamacare co-ops still standing out of the original 23, and eight of them will likely close by the end of 2016 due to financial distress.
And OK, I will grant you that even liberally biased National Public Radio polls are concluding that more Americans feel harmed than helped by the mandatory health program. But they don’t know what you know.
• Double down on gun control: Does it really matter that at least 1 in 3 Americans owns a gun? Trust me when I say that voters are so over the Second Amendment. It’s definitely time to pull the trigger on this issue.
• Continue giving political lectures to Americans at non-political events: The American public loved it when Beyonce paid homage to civil rights radical Malcolm X and the Black Panther Party in her Super Bowl halftime show. Celebrities are still raving about Academy Award winners’ unsolicited opinions on climate change, campaign finance reform, Donald Trump, race, sexual assault and the Catholic Church.
Take Tina Fey for example, who told SiriusXM host Howard Stern:
“I’m so glad I live here [in New York City], because halfway through [the Oscars], I was like, ’This is some real Hollywood [expletive deleted]’ . Everyone’s telling me what to do. People are yelling at me about rape and corporate greed, but really, it’s climate change. I was like, ’Guys, pick a lane. Like we’re going to fix everything tonight.’ And also, like, ’You’re all rich. Why are you yelling at me about corporate greed?’ “
See? They love it!
• Support sanctuary cities — loudly: Why? Because law-abiding Americans love being told why it’s OK when some people break federal law, but not others. Promoting unequal treatment under the law is political gold. You’re going to want to capitalize on that.
• Make sure the only police you support is the P.C. police: The only thing more dangerous than a radical Muslim terrorist is a citizen who refers to him as a “radical Muslim terrorist.” For shame. Take a lesson from Lena Dunham’s playbook and advocate for the regulation of what words the media can and cannot use to describe different races, genders and more. Censorship sells. Trust me on this.
• Get indicted by the FBI (Hillary, pay extra attention to this one. Bernie, try to keep up): Democrats love electing criminals. They just swore one into an East Chicago city council seat from his own jail cell, where he awaits a federal murder conviction. At least six Democrat mayors have been indicted in recent years, along with seven Democratic state legislators.
At this point, if you’re not governing above the law, you’re just not a Democrat.
There you have it. A list of free advice for the party that loves free stuff.
So go forth. Take the advice. Double down on your bad ideas.
That way, when the country votes against you in November, you can at least take comfort in the fact that they’re rejecting you, not the person they think you are.
• Fingers Malloy hosts “The Snark Factor” weekdays at 8 p.m. EST on FTR Radio.
Please read our comment policy before commenting.