Apparently, there are a lot of things we can learn from Saved by the Bell (yes, besides the fact that we’re glad ’90s fashion didn’t stick). One of those things is world politics.
Today’s episode is about Ukraine, where 5.2 million people are estimated to be living in conflict areas and thousands are dead.
Let’s recap who the main characters are.
Zack Putin: Some say he’s a sociopath, because he’s always scheming up new ways to be powerful and popular. Other people love him. There are, inexplicably, a lot of pictures of him with his shirt off. The only difference it seems is that Putin is a natural blond.
Kelly Ukraine: The girl with that oh-so-hard decision of who to go to prom with. Part of her knows Zack’s always going to be there for her, which is why it’s hard to choose Slater. She’s known Zack forever. Donetsk and Luhansk and Crimea are majority Russian speaking and far more closely culturally aligned to Russia than NATO. So why can’t that part just go over to Russia? One very good reason might be that Kelly can’t just split into two people. That’s against the laws of Westphalian biology – and international law – and, besides, it would be very bloody.
Slater Poroshenko: He’s the nice guy – or at least the nicer guy – and currently losing the battle. Whenever he and Zack Putin make deals, guess who makes most of the compromises?
Screech Pro-Russia: So, what was his role on the show again? Being Zack’s side-kick, right? Doing everything Zack told him while getting sold short time and time again? Right. You think that the Pro-Russian separatists would learn.
Jessie U.S.panno: The U.S. is big on the fact that countries should not invade other countries, democracy is awesome, and Russia isn’t. Sanctions are a good idea. Violence is not. Exactly like the fierce feminist on TV show who still ate meat, wore plastic earrings and cared about being taller than guys. Hypocritical? Yes. Dumb? No.
Lisa E.U. Turtle: She really never cared what happens, though, boy, could she mediate. As long as she stays wealthy, looks good, and is fashionable at the end of the show, she’s happy. French President Francois Hollande and German Chancellor Angela Merkel don’t even care about the fashionable part.
Mr. Ban-Ki Belding: Recently the U.N. has been doing so much of “Hey, hey, hey, what’s going on here?” that I expect Belding is going to get a residual check. The better question is why anyone even cares. Belding’s role on the show – like the U.N.’s role in the world – is entirely limited to what the kids want to let him get away with. Oh and for the endless comedy.
End of the day, the key takeaways are:
• Zack wants Kelly. Period. End story. No matter how much he denies it, please don’t tell me that Russian-backed separatists aren’t Russian backed; it’s completely clear who’s on the ground. Why does Zack want Kelly? No one knows for sure. As he claims at senior prom, he just couldn’t imagine going with anyone else. Expect similar logic (or lack thereof) from Putin.
• Screech is headed toward disaster. The pro-Russian separatists are fighting a terrible war and aren’t going to get much support when it’s all said and done. They want autonomy. But they’re not going to be able to handle it.
• Jessie is so scared. And overdosing on caffeine. The U.S. has to currently deal with economics against China, ISIS with Russia, Ukraine against Russia, ISIS with China, and history against Alabama. Even caffeine pills aren’t enough.
• Lisa does not come out of this looking good. European peace strategy is confused at best.
• Either Zack gets Kelly or Slater does. It’s a zero-sum game. 90’s kids’ shows do not have weird open relationship theories. Russia has a certain way of looking at the world: it thinks that international relations are set by power and that the international community is a joke. NATO is led by the U.S. and is still talking about democracy, human rights, and freedom. Ukraine either joins NATO or it joins Russia. Kelly lasted single for about a year. I wouldn’t give Ukraine much longer.
So what are we supposed to do? Zack never did – and never will – respond to logic. Every time he learned a lesson (think of the buddy-bands episode), it was because the others used his evil tactics back on him. Vladimir Putin understands nothing but force. So the West has to fight him with force.
Democrats and Republicans in Congress both say that we have to increase military assistance. Russia simply agreeing to respect Ukraine’s territorial boundaries is not going to work. (Russia already promised that when signing the U.N. Charter, and already broke that promise.) At some point, we have to realize that we have to fight fire with fire, change our diplomacy tactics, and hit Putin where it hurts. After all, if we just sit by and watch the show, we all know Zack is going to end up with Kelly.
Isvari Mohan is the author of the war drama “The Eyes of Mikra” and a Global Law Scholar at Georgetown Law.
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