Last week was one of those weeks I wished I’d never discovered the NFL.
I lost in all three of my leagues. But I didn’t “just” lose.
In the league I run, my mockery of a season continued as my bye week running back pickups, Seattle’s Marshawn Lynch and Denver’s Knowshon Moreno, didn’t work out so well. Lynch was scratched before the game with a bad back, and Moreno might as well have been. They combined for 3 points. I lost by 9 to my nephew (who has stopped calling me for weekly fantasy advice, by the way) and fell to 1-6.
In the league populated by the people with whom I work, I entered the week 5-1. Perhaps hubris got the best of me, but I decided I would make the bold move of waiving New York Jets receiver Plaxico Burress.
The good news is that Burress only caught four passes for 25 yards; the bad news is that three of those passes were in the end zone. My sneaky pickup to fill the void left by Burress was Baltimore receiver Torrey Smith. He scored 4.5 points, 17.5 less than Burress would have — had he been in my lineup. I lost by 10.5, and suspect I will be the subject of a few newsroom whispers as a result.
“Can you believe that guy gets to write a column?”
“I know, right? Waiving Plaxico Burress? Brilliant move.”
“Yeah, too smart for his own good.”
“No doubt. I wonder if he’ll write more about how good Joe Flacco is?”
(Laughter)
I deserve that after the week I had.
Now, for the topper — I lost to my wife*. Do you know what’s worse than losing to your wife? Nothing. Wait, check that. There is one thing worse than losing to your wife — losing to her in a league you’ve been in for 21 years, a league in which you’ve played in eight championship games and won five. Hold on, there’s another thing that’s worse than losing to your wife — losing to her in a league you’ve been in for 21 years, a league in which you’ve played in eight championship games and won five, because a player you added as a throwaway in a trade was the difference.
We had agreed to the deal weeks earlier. I would get Maurice Jones-Drew and she would get Jeremy Maclin. But in this league, rosters are set so that everyone has to carry the same amount of running backs, receivers, etc. To avoid the hassle of making additional waiver moves to reset our rosters, I suggested she throw in then-Denver/now-St. Louis receiver Brandon Lloyd and I’d throw in San Diego running back Mike Tolbert. Well, Sunday rolls around and both players are starting for us because of byes. The scoring system in this league is a little anachronistic and I don’t feel like explaining it. But to sum up, Lloyd failed to score, while Tolbert ran for a TD and ended up with 6 points. I lost by 5. To my wife.
*I must confess I took a little dramatic license characterizing the loss to my wife. While the names, numbers and transactions are all true, I don’t have a typical wife. She is obsessed with the NFL almost as much as I am (while the Bears are my self-control kryptonite, it’s the Broncos for her (yes, she’s a Tebow fan)). In fact, we spent many nights in the final two months of her recent pregnancy passing the time at home by doing mock drafts together on espn.com. This is a woman who knows her football. In fact, with her victory over me, she’s now 5-2. I’m 3-4 and fading. So if I’m not going to make my ninth championship game, I might as well cheer on the family’s real fantasy expert. Jump on the Team Sizzurp bandwagon while you can.
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