Ace hunter and meat-lover Ted Nugent let fly a fiery arrow this week in a guest column for the Waco Herald-Tribune, revealing he knows touring roadies who have been fired by Paul McCartney — “an animal-rights maniac, hardcore vegan bass player,” in Mr. Nugent’s words — for “sneaking a hamburger.” Macca, backstage authoritarian: The claim is so, well, tasty that our imagination is now running wildly enough to end up on Mr. Nugent’s grill.
Off-brand coffee — Brands other than Starbucks Coffee shall be disposed of forthwith in the cat litter box.
Heather-free zone — Miss Heather Mills, who shall be referred hereafter as “That Woman,” is not welcome backstage unless accompanied by the minor child Beatrice. Any utterance of her proper name by anyone in the employment of Mr. McCartney will face immediate discipline and possibly termination.
Regarding ’64’ — The song “When I’m 64” is the intellectual property of Mr. McCartney and the estate of John Lennon. Literal interpretations of lines such as “losing my hair,” etc. are strictly forbidden.
Decorative harp seals — A ceramic replica of a harp seal, the commercial hunting of which animal Mr. McCartney passionately and vociferously disapproves, shall be placed prominently inside Mr. McCartney’s dressing room.
Land mines — The use of land mines in and around the backstage area is strongly discouraged, except as regards the enforcement of Clause 2.
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