Dear Mom and Dad,
I know the rule for Christmas is that “You get what you get, and you don’t pitch a fit.” But last year, you got me socks. So this year, I thought I would just give you a couple of ideas to give you a better clue of what teenagers actually like:
- a 40 oz, insulated Stanley tumbler
- Adidas Gazelle shoes
- a Squishmallow mystery box
- all this other stuff I found on YouTube and TikTok.
If that Christmas wish list sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
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Gone are the days of browsing through the Sears and JCPenney catalogs, circling the toys you want. (For that matter, gone are the days of Sears.) Nowadays, figuring out what you want for Christmas involves scrolling through social media.
Fifty-two percent of Gen Zers engage social media as a primary search engine, using the platforms to tell them “what to buy, where to eat and how to spend their time,” says Fortune. And 4 in 10 teens have admitted to purchasing something directly because of a social-media influencer.
Ostensibly, it’s all about fitting in with their peers — both online and in person. These products are a status symbol. They show others that you’ve made it, social media tells our children. They’ll make you popular, the implied promise continues. And when you have this object in your possession, you’ll finally be happy, the lie concludes.
Of course, the problem with the parasocial relationships that kids and teens have with influencers is that it’s completely one-sided. MrBeast doesn’t care if your kid accidentally eats some moldy cheese after purchasing the Lunchlys he advertised to them. He just wants kids to purchase his product. When it was revealed that the RFLCT skincare line didn’t protect against blue light damage as advertised, creator and promoter Valkyrie apologized—but she had still pushed a product to her fans that she knew was defective.
So how do parents talk to their teens and younger kids about this problem? How do we expose the lie without crushing their Christmas dreams?
As Christians, we already know the reason for the season: Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, our Savior.
But even knowing that truth, it’s hard for teenagers, especially if they feel like they’re the only people at school without the latest Sephora perfume and cologne collections. And it’s hard for parents, too, when you’re worried your kid will hate you if you get the wrong thing.
So, let’s talk about some ways you can walk through this whole gift-requesting, gift-receiving process with your family. Hopefully, this will help you navigate the more problematic parts of creating social media-based wish lists.
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What’s the cost?
When I was a kid, asking for anything over the $50 limit just wasn’t done in our house. You asked for reasonably priced gifts and were grateful for anything you received, including the orange or apple that was always at the bottom of your stocking.
But kids these days — especially younger kids — often seem completely unaware of the cost. They just see videos of kids having fun with the latest LEGO set, or opening packs upon packs of Pokémon cards, or collecting dozens of Tamagotchis, Bitzees and Tonies. But they don’t realize that these things cost money. They just know that it’s gonna take 300 Minecraft coins to buy that thing they’re eyeballing. Parents are left to add up the figures.
And things only get more expensive for teens. When influencers peddle their wares online, they aren’t giving you the price tag. They’re just giving you a link directly to the purchase page. And thanks to how algorithms work, the more your teen looks at a specific product, the more ads and videos they’ll see about it, increasing their desire to own it themselves.
So start talking to your family about the monetary value of these products. For tweens and teens, remind them that the people they see on social media often don’t pay for the products they’re promoting. Influencers negotiate deals to promote brands in exchange for free or discounted products.
It’s also a good idea to remind them of the fickleness of social media trends. What’s popular (and expensive) today may not be so trendy next week. So they may not want to waste their gifts on items they won’t even be using by Christmas next year.
As for younger kids, maybe just reinforce the idea that they might not get everything they ask for. If they’re old enough, you can set a dollar limit or even just an item limit. This may help them to manage their expectations a bit better, but it can also teach them to evaluate the cost of items: Do I want five less pricey gifts or one more expensive one?
The nice thing is that you still have a lot of control over their social media and online videos habits. So you can limit how much parasocial coveting occurs. But younger kids also tend not to be so attached to the exact product they requested. So you can search for alternatives that are more affordable.
What’s the brand?
Speaking of finding cheaper alternatives, parents have to be careful. Retailers such as Shein and Temu advertise much, much cheaper versions of things your kids may be asking for. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean quality control is there.
But this is perhaps where your teens’ online browsing habits can be put to good use. If they or a younger sibling are requesting a very specific brand-name item, challenge them to find a still-good quality but more reasonably priced version.
It may be that your children still want the brand-name product. But again, this is where their internet-sleuthing skills come into play. Ask them to convince you why this brand name is better than the more affordable version. Your teens may discover that the brands are of equal quality, and they might even change their own minds.
Of course, they might also want that brand because of the status it carries. Are the latest pair of Nikes somehow better than the latest pair of Adidas? That’s pretty subjective. But if your teen is feeling excluded from their peer group because he or she doesn’t have those Nikes, it can be pretty disheartening.
This is where the fleeting nature of trends serves as a good reminder. Perhaps you won’t buy your kids those Stanley mugs or Beats headphones this season. But chances are, those products will have been replaced by something equally as transient next year. Try to help your kids, especially your teens, understand that. It may even teach them to be a bit less materialistic and performative online.
What’s the reason?
Any influencers who are reading this blog likely hate me by this point, but I’m OK with that. The final thing to talk about with your family is the reason they’re letting social media determine what they want for Christmas.
Yes, these products can serve as a status symbol. They can help kids feel included among their peers. But no, the influencers who push them into buying stuff don’t care about them.
That may be why we’re seeing a growing trend toward “deinfluencing,” wherein influencers will talk about all the problems a product or service has in order to discourage users from purchasing it. But those influencers are few and far between. Because let’s face it, a brand isn’t going to give an influencer money to talk badly about their products.
So, teens rely pretty heavily on the comments sections to let them know if an item is faulty. And while that’s not a bad strategy, it isn’t necessarily foolproof.
Many products and services sold online are just fine. They’re of good quality and will last a long time. But the only reason they’re popular is because some influencer on some social media platform deemed it so.
We need to talk to our kids about this issue. Ultimately, if your teenager’s identity is based on whatever the latest TikTok trend is, they may be feeling pretty anxious and confused—like if they don’t get that mini-fridge to store their skincare products, then they’re a failure at life. If your younger child is getting roped in to all the ongoing YouTuber drama, it’s unlikely he’ll feel comfortable telling his friends that he didn’t get any new Pokémon cards to trade for Christmas.
This isn’t a new problem. When I was growing up, what I should wear, like, play, etc., was always determined by some popular kid in my school or by some celebrity on TV. But when we went home each day, the judgment ended. We could go home and live our lives without worrying what our peers thought. The proliferation of social media and the smartphone ruined that though.
These days, your teens may come home from school, pull out their phones and continue to feel judged. TikTok, Instagram, YouTube and more lie to them, telling them that if they own these products or subscribe to these services, they’ll be popular and stop facing judgment.
The integration of online shopping directly on those platforms has only added to the problem. And the constant bombardment of “here’s what you need to own, to listen to, to watch to fit in,” has turned Christmas into such a commercialized holiday that teens almost completely forget what it’s all about.
The real reason for the season
As parents, it’s our job to affirm our children’s identities in Christ and Christ alone. Whether they’re sporting the latest fad fashion or toting around that brand name bag isn’t going to bring them joy or hope. It certainly won’t remind them why we celebrate Christmas.
I’m not saying that parents should exclude gift-giving entirely this year—I wouldn’t have written this blog at all if that were my goal. Rather, as your kids dive into social media to figure out what they want for Christmas, ask them what they want to get out of Christmas. Not physical items, but what memories do they want to build, what messages do they hope to hear at church, what relationships do they want to strengthen?
For me, Christmas has always been a time to remember the greatest gift of all: the gift of Jesus Christ. My parents instilled that conviction in me when I was little. My faith and relationship with God strengthened that resolve my whole life.
So no matter what gifts I do or don’t receive each year, it never really matters. Who I am with and how we celebrate Christ’s birth together is what sticks with me.
And the same can be true for your family, too. We just have to remember that social media doesn’t get to tell us who we are (and what we should get). Only God has that power.
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This article originally appeared on the Plugged In blog.
Plugged In is a Focus on the Family publication designed to shine a light on the world of popular entertainment while giving families the essential tools they need to understand, navigate, and impact the culture in which they live. Through our reviews, articles and discussions, we hope to spark intellectual thought, spiritual growth and a desire to follow the command of Colossians 2:8: “See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.”
Emily Tsiao studied film and writing when she was in college. And when she isn’t being way too competitive while playing board games, she enjoys food, sleep, and geeking out with her husband indulging in their “nerdoms,” which is the collective fan cultures of everything they love, such as Star Wars, Star Trek, Stargate and Lord of the Rings.
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